By: J. Pierce
[Scene: Week day, early afternoon. Busy office of the Arizona Dept. of Economic Security (DES). All four Avengers have been referred to DES to apply for the Arizona Health Care Cost Containment System (AHCCCS) commonly pronounced like ‘Access’. Based on a true story.]
***
Captain America: Hello. I was sent here to get health insurance for my kids.
DES worker: OK, fill this out, fill this out, fill this out, and fill this out.
Captain America: [after an hour of filling out forms and an hour waiting in line again] Yes, I finished the paper work.
DES worker: OK Misterrr… Captain Rogers, it looks like you checked the Veteran box. You need to go to the Dept. of Veterans’ Services over on Swan Rd.
Captain America: I was just there. They said they don’t cover family members.
DES worker: Then you need to get an authorization form stating that you were referred here.
Captain America: Well, I’m a Veteran but I haven’t worked for the DoD since 1945. ‘Course I knew it as the “War Department” but now it’s all “oh, this thing is for ‘Defense’” so let’s call it the…
DES worker: That doesn’t matter. If you are a Veteran, you need to get an authorization form from either Arizona DVS or the VA.
Captain America: …and it was a secret program that DoD now disavows. Plus, back in Aught ’17 Trump supposedly removed my Veteran Status because he prefers “people who weren’t captured”. I was briefly detained at the DeConcini Port several times. Trump said I’m “not a War Hero.” I still can’t get a hold of Biden. Won’t return my phone calls.
DES worker: You’ll have to take that up with them, sir. Bring back that form and I can help you. NEXT!
***
DES worker: Yes, sir. Mr. Stark?
Iron Man: Yes, hello Ma’am, beautiful nails… Uh, I was referred here by the… Marketplace? Evidently, I don’t make enough money so I have to sign my kids up for either AHCCCS or Kids Care.
DES worker: Mr. Stark, it says here you are reporting for your annual income, as CEO of Stark Industries, $20.3 billion dollars?
Iron Man: Yes, but, you see, that’s not my personal salary. That’s basically gross income for the entire family of Stark Enterprizzze..ez. Multiple companies, it’s quite complicated, Pepper can tell you… Anyway, my take home is a lot less.
DES worker: Yes, well, I don’t think you qualify for AHCCCS. Our income limit for a family of four is $41,400.
Iron Man: The lady over at the Clinic helping me get Obamacare says that Morgan was OK but once you put in my second kid, Arno… We’re still debating if we should call him Arno “Junior”… Even though I’m not too convinced he’s really mine. But, hey, I’m not going to go around pointing fingers, the pot calling the kettle black and all… Regardless, once you include both kids, they get kicked out of the “system”, I mean the “Marketplace” [Tony makes exaggerated air quotes both times.] …Because I don’t make enough money. That’s why she sent me here. I even had her add another $100 million in fictitious income, but that didn’t work. The kids don’t qualify for Marketplace anymore. Can you help me, please?
DES worker: Well, with what you are reporting, you qualify for neither AHCCCS nor Kids Care.
Iron Man: Look, I can afford the payments. I just need some health insurance for my two kids, well one- and-a-half. The newborn is going to get kicked off of Pepper’s health insurance next week!
DES worker: That’s the problem, Mr. Stark. If you can afford the payments, then you don’t qualify. NEXT!
***
DES worker: THOR?! Does that say Thor? MR. THOR?!
Thor: Yes, that is I.
DES worker: Mr. Thor, for starters, I can’t read this chicken scratch. It looks like a bunch of stick figures and check marks. You’re gonna have to start over…
Thor: Those are ancient Runes, magical symbols from…
DES worker: Secondly, you didn’t fill out this form correctly. It’s missing all kinds of information. You need a last name.
Thor: I don’t have one. It’s just Thor. My father, the God of the Sky and of War, chose that name for me after a lightning bolt struck him in the…
DES worker: Sir, I can’t enter you into the system without a last name.
Thor: Well, you can put… Odinsson. Thor Odinsson. Two ‘S’s. Can you put that for my children, as well? Just Trud, Modi, and Ullr. Magni can get insurance through his mother. Oh, and can I add our servant children, Thialfi and Röskva? If they cannot obtain insurance through us, I truly do not know where it would come from. SIF, DEAR! I’M PUTTING ODINSSON FOR OUR LAST NAMES, DO YOU PERMIT IT? NO? YES? YES.
DES worker: Fine. And for your income? You left this whole section blank. What do you do for work?
Thor: I don’t work. I don’t use money. I’m like a God slash King slash Warrior. I ride around in a… Well, I’m like in charge of… the weather. I’m a meteorologist. But I do not have money.
DES worker: Here. You need to get your last employer to fill out this Verification of Terminated Employment.
Thor: Oooookaaayyyy…. But I’m pretty sure that’s not gonna work. I haven’t been employed, really, since the 1100’s. Anno Domini. Maybe before that.
DES worker: Well, that’s the info I need. NEXT!
***
DES worker: VE-21! VE-21! Beh-eh Veinti-uno! Be-eh Veinti-uno!
Hulk: HULK HAVE NUMBER!
DES worker: How can I help you, sir?
Hulk: HULK WAIT THREE HOURS!
DES worker: Yes, well, as you can see we are very busy today.
Hulk: THINK HULK NOT BUSY?! THINK HULK NO HAVE LIFE?!
DES worker: How can I help you?
Hulk: HULK CHILDREN LOSE INSURANCE.
DES worker: Ok, Misterrrr…. Hulk. It looks like there’s an error with your social security number. Someone else comes up when I type it in. A Mr. Bruce…
Hulk: HULK SHARE SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER WITH DR. BANNER. HULK AND HE SAME PERSON.
DES worker: Well, sir, then you will have to send him in to sign your kids up for AHCCCS.
Hulk: HULK MAKE DIFFERENT BABIES. DR. BANNER NO RECOGNIZE HULK BABIES.
DES worker: Sounds like a personal problem. You’ll have to work that out and come back. NEXT!
HULK: NO!!! HULK NEED INSURANCE FOR CHILDREN! HULK SMASH GOVERNMENT OFFICE IF NO GET INSURANCE!!
DES worker: Calm down, sir. Have a seat here. I can start your application… We’ll get your social security number at a later date.
