Dear Mine Disaster Community School,
My name is Jeffrey Frumpleton. I’m a very good teacher and this letter is in reference to the job opening that I heard about there at the Mine Disaster Community School (MDCS). You guys are the best. And it’s a really good thing that I live within walking distance so I can go home for lunch.
You guys should hire me to teach at your amazing Mine Disaster Community School (MDCS) “Home of the Pneumos!” for the following reasons:
1.) I was told that you guys need teachers in a real bad way.
I’ve heard a lot about what you guys call the big huge “teacher shortage”. I bet it’s mostly bogus, like a lot of things, you know. Mother says that you guys have been “teacher bashing” since like she was young and that you’ve been jacking down the wages a bunch, too. That’s too bad because if you really needed teachers, you could just raise up the wages and start saying how important teachers are and how like they do a good job teaching kids and stuff.
Mother says that at her school some classrooms don’t even have a teacher at all while a bunch of them just have substitutes and other people who don’t know anything. I thought you guys were all about Education “Reform”. Doesn’t sound like a good reform to me. Sounds like a bad reform. Mother says that all this “reform” business is a pile of rotten baloney – that it’s really about getting rid of the teacher unions.
Another thing is that I’ve been pretty much just working at sucky jobs, you know here and there. And these jobs don’t value my skills, my talents. They are basically a big waste of my intellectual capacity. And they don’t pay for shit, anyhow. I was told that working at your li’l Shitty McSchool is a good move because schools offer potential for job security, good wages, advancement, and a lot of fun, besides.
2.) I should fess up and say that I’m actually planning to just warp kids’ minds all day.
Not warp, really, but like teach them the real stuff. You know, like Noam Chomsky. Not all that mumbo jumbo that we fill their heads with to turn them into robots and slaves. You know what I mean. I hate that boring stuff. It just trains them to be passive. That’s the garbage I got when I was a kid. They just make you think that learning is dumb. But it’s not, though, if you get the good stuff. Anyway, if you decide to hire me, I’m going to rap with the working class kids who already kinda know the system is messed up. They just need a smart-ish, you know “kind” adult to tell them that they’re right. That the system is messed up and that you guys have been gaslighting them since kinder, right? What I mean to say is that if Your Grace deigns to lower the draw bridge and permit my lowly entrance into your royal fiefdom, I’m gonna work-in the word “union” and like “anarchism” a million times a day. Just saying.
3.) Come to think of it, I’m the right fit for the job.
No one else wants to work in these hellish, Dickensian, dystopian school-to-prison Prisons that you guys have cooked up in your evil lab. I don’t mean you guys, specifically, there at Mine Disaster Community School [“Go Pneumos!”] but like people like you. You know the Bosses, the ruling class, the Capitalist Class. You guys are destroying the idea of public education like 24/7/365.25. God, I can’t even think about the all ways you guys are messing up the schools right now and our whole society. It’s true, though. You turkeys have really done a doozie on the whole world. And with like the climate crisis, and shit, it’s not even funny anymore.
Anyway, Mother says that “Education is a Battlefield”. Especially since you guys invented school shootings to terrorize us. It’s not even like a metaphorical “battlefield”. It’s more like a battlefield. And if Education is a Battlefield, then the classroom needs a warrior to lead the kids. That’s where I come in. I’m a certified badass.
Actually, just to clarify, I’m not going to help you guys out with your goose-stepping JROTC-IDF program or like the Armed Services of the Fatherland “Schutzstaffel Day” Fair and Rodeo. That’s not me.
In actual fact, I think of myself as kind of an anti-recruiter, a counter-recruiter, if you know what I mean. You know, in contradistinction to the Patriotic Cannon-fodder recruiters you guys have sucking around campus all the time. If there were any dignified jobs in this crappy little town no one would join the military anyways.
No, you guys. Fuck that. I’m a recruiter for the Peoples’ Anti-Capitalist Army. I’m like the Revolutionary Colonel of the classroom. I’m like the Toussaint L’Ouverture of the revolutionary motherfuckin’ classroom.
God… Shit yeah…
Anyway, as I see it, being a teacher is the next best thing to being a guerrilla fighter, without having to put a lead ball through some slave holder’s chest, or slash them with a sword and have their blood splatter all over my silky white ascot… Anyway, Mother says I would be good at it. So, I figure why not go into teaching? That’s where you come in, my friends.
Plus, after you guys hire me, I’m planning to run out and join the Education Workers Industrial Union No. 620 of the Industrial Workers of the World. I’ll be pretty proud of myself after that. Wear my little union button to the bar, flash my red card, the whole nine yards.
Anyway, thank you for your time and consideration,
Mr. Jeffrey R. Frumpleton
PS: This is not a real letter. Well, it was a letter, just not to the bosses. It’s from the GOB a few years back but reworked to say the same thing, only funny. The original letter told Wobblies to become teachers. All of the above is a real and true list of reasons why you, Fellow Worker, should stop working at shitty retail jobs and start working for the schools.
Join the Education Workers Industrial Union No. 620 of the IWW: redcard.iww.org
